Preparing Well for More Couples in Ministry

It still amazes me how many couples I see now who are serving together in ministry. Actually, it’s probably better to say that it amazes me how quickly that became a normal part of church life. When my wife and I were dating and discerning what a life would be like together as young ministers, we had very, very few models to turn to. When we started our seminary coursework, we did so under the full assumption that one of us would be working outside the church in some ‘creative’ fashion. We were honestly shocked – and joyfully surprised – when a church called us both as co-pastors less than ten years later.

These days, we work alongside a lot of young people who are preparing for some kind of ministerial life as spouses, and they are facing some fairly unique challenges. My single friends in ministry face a lot of unique challenges too, though one of them would be better qualified than me to address those. Though having couples in ministry is becoming more common, I regularly encounter opposition to that model, usually because it’s a more collaborative model than what most churches are used to. A ‘two-headed monster’ is what a denominational official called it within my earshot once. In more charitable iterations, we’ve fielded questions from folks who genuinely wanted to know how the ministry of a church would function. How are meetings held? How are budgets approved? Who does what?

Approaching twenty years as one half of a couple in ministry, I’ve found that these questions come from a good place and are usually assuaged as a congregation experiences the gift of a couple in ministry. Like any other decision that couples have to make together, the decision gets discerned and I’ve found that another perspective helps me when I’d make a decision with blind spots. I’ve also found that congregations can come to see co-pastoral ministry as a gift when it’s viewed from a strengths-based approach. The church we served as co-pastors thrived and when our time there was done, the church asked for another couple. Rather than one set of strengths, the office of the pastor has more, and if a couple uses that well, it can be a gift.

Not all couples are in co-pastoral assignments, of course, but there are more couples entering into vocational ministry, and the numbers of pastoral spouses who are called to ordination are also on the rise. With many of the young couples I’m around these days on my mind, I asked a few ministry couple friends what they would want churches to know that would be helpful and supportive, and I’ve paraphrased their responses here. My hope is that it will not only help couples be received well, but that the church also benefits as it postures to allow the gifts being given in a ministerial couple to allow it to flourish. Here’s what they said:

1)    Taking a Strengths-Based Approach Helps

A strength-based approach looks at what a person is gifted to do and works out of those strength areas. The idea is that the same amount of energy you’d put into shoring up your weaknesses to see moderate growth is better spent enlivening your strengths, where you’ll see astronomical growth. If one person has a set of strengths, another person has more, and the more aware of these you become, the more the ministry can be arranged to play out of those strengths. Does one spouse have administrative strengths? Does the other have relational strengths? Try to arrange ministry along those lines. “My husband and I split responsibilities based off of our strengths,” one friend said, describing how she took on more of the administrative work and how the ministry was better off when they were working in their strengths.

2)    …But Don’t Forget to Differentiate!

“It’s important for couples in ministry together to pay close attention to their own personal development in addition to their development as a couple,” one friend said. In other words, being married to someone with a particular strength shouldn’t mean they are the only one to ever grow in that area. In my experience, it’s been fun to be challenged by my own spouse in areas where she is strong. But a couple will need to be aware of that dynamic and give each other appropriate challenges and opportunities for growth. While strengths-based models are helpful for teams, it’s important that they don’t shut down growth opportunities, my friend cautioned.  “If you’re a congregant of co-pastors,” another friend offered, “don’t be afraid to ask just one of them for lunch or coffee. It doesn’t have to be both of us all the time!” Because the friend who offered this is a woman, she said that having another woman in the church to talk to was a way of building relationship that also offered differentiation.  

3)    The Process of Learning to Minister as a Couple is a Sanctifying One

“There are landmines that will go off,” another friend contributed, “as one’s blind spots hurt the other, but working toward mutual hospitality, giving space and honor to each other is ultimately edifying for both the couple and the people they are serving.” As I took in these wise words, I couldn’t help but think about the reality that couples in ministry are also modeling the virtues that caused Christians to see marriage as a witness to Christ’s own life. At its best, marriage is a means of grace, making us more like Jesus. Humility, mutual love, edification – these are all virtues of the Christian life. And so, for couples, I’ll add that it’s good to pay attention to these realities. For churches, how might enabling a couple to model this offer a living witness for the sake of our own sanctification?

4)    Cultivate Friendship with One Another

“Most people marry because they became friends who imagined building a life together, which includes play, conversation, and intimacy,” another friend mentioned. “It can be wonderful to be colleagues in ministry,” they continued, but giving attention to building a friendship will be a necessary component. “We are children of God first, spouses second, and collaborators in Christ third.” The implication for couples here seems clear, but for churches, how might you encourage and enable a ministry couple to be friends with one another beyond the daily tasks of pastoral ministry?

5)    Be Careful to Not Force a Previous Model

Two decades in, I’d say that one of my primary pieces of advice to couples and churches is to be sure you aren’t forcing a couple into whatever model came before. I strongly recommend churches ask what kind of ministry arrangement works for that couple. If forced into an arrangement that doesn’t work for them because that was how it was done previously risks doing harm to the couple. One couple told me that because the previous two youth pastors had been male that the husband in their marriage was the ‘main’ youth pastor. Calling a couple has incredible blessings and benefits, but the as best they are aware, the couple needs to be honest about the kind of ministry arrangement that works for them, and the church should be diligent to ask, rather than assume based on what came before. “It’s ok to approach either of us and ask us which responsibilities we take in the job,” a friend in youth ministry told me, going on to mention that they felt very seen when people asked how ministry is best arranged for her and her husband. “I would advise lead pastors who have a couple team on their staff to make themselves very comfortable with talking about and describing the responsibilities of each person so that they can aid the congregation understand what this looks like, especially if having co-pastors on the staff is new to the congregation,” she said.

Are there other things that could help couples and churches navigate a changing dynamic with more couples entering ministry? Yes! But that’s probably for a book and not a blog. If it helps, I’ll be joining two other couples in ministry for a webinar sponsored by Zondervan Publishing to discuss this in more detail on April 2, 2024. You can tune in by following my page here, or watch the recording later as a bonus for pre-ordering Know the Theologians, a new release from fellow ministry couple David and Jennifer McNutt.